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Angelpie's Journal


Angelpie's Journal

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7 entries this month
 

Why Women Are So Crabby

13:11 Mar 23 2005
Times Read: 717


We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears.



So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.



Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.



Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart

before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.



Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.



Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the

mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.



Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the so and so (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed

10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.



After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking,

gabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.



Then come their teen years. Need I say more?



When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.



So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.



Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so

easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...



So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.


COMMENTS

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Viagra

02:29 Mar 23 2005
Times Read: 720


The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.



The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra.



Slight variations were acceptable.



About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List.



With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.





The top ten were:



10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!



And the unanimous number one slogan:



1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs


COMMENTS

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What the Media Doesn't Tell Us..............

15:39 Mar 17 2005
Times Read: 724


The below message was sent to my Commanding Officer from the Deputy of Commander Naval Reserve Command, Vice Admiral Cotton...



From the net...courtesy of CS...



Went to an AUSA dinner last night at the Ft. Hood Officers' Club to hear a speech by MG Pete Chiarelli, CG of the 1st Cav Div. He and

most of the Div. have just returned from Iraq. Very informative and, surprise, the Mainstream Media (MSM) isn't telling the story. I was

not there as a reporter, didn't take notes but I'll make some the points I remember that were interesting, surprising or generally stuff

I had not heard before.



It was not a speech per se. He just walked and talked, showed some slides and answered questions. Very impressive guy.



1. While units of the Cav served all over Iraq, he spoke mostly of Baghdad and more specifically Sadr City, the big slum on the eastern side of the Tigeris River. He pointed out that Baghdad is, in geography, is about the size of Austin. Austin has 600,000 to 700,000

people. Baghdad has 6 to 7 million people.



2. The Cav lost 28 main battle tanks. He said one of the big lessons learned is that, contrary to doctrine going in, M1-A2s and

Bradleys are needed, preferred and devastating in urban combat and he is going to make that point to the JCS next week while they are

considering downsizing armor.



3. He showed a graph of attacks in Sadr City by month. Last Aug-Sep they were getting up to 160 attacks per week. During the last

three months, the graph had flatlined at below 5 to zero per week.



4. His big point was not that they were "winning battles" to do this but that cleaning the place up, electricity, sewage, water were the

key factors. He said yes they fought but after they started delivering services that the Iraqis in Sadr City had never had, the

terrorist recruiting of 15 and 16 year olds came up empty.



5. The electrical "grid" is a bad, deadly joke. Said that driving down the street in a HumV with an antenna would short out a whole

block of apt. buildings. People do their own wiring and it was not uncommon for early morning patrols would find one or two people lying dead in the street, having been electrocuted trying to re-wire their

own homes.



6. Said that not tending to a dead body in the Muslim culture never happens. On election day, after suicide bombers blew themselves up

trying to take out polling places, voters would step up to the body lying there, spit on it, and move up in the line to vote.



7. Pointed out that we all heard from the media about the 100 Iraqis killed as they were lined up to enlist in the police and security

service. What the media didn't point out was that the next day there 300 lined up in the same place.



8. Said bin Laden and Zarqawi made a HUGE mistake when bin laden went public with naming Zarqawi the "prince" of al Quaeda in Iraq. Said

that what the Iraqis saw and heard was a Saudi telling a Jordanian that his job was to kill Iraqis. HUGE mistake. It was one of the biggest factors in getting Iraqis who were on the "fence" to jump off on the side of the coalition and the new gov't.



9. Said the MSM was making a big, and wrong, deal out of the religious sects. Said Iraqis are incredibly nationalistic. They are

Iraqis first and then say they are Muslim but the Shi'a - Sunni thing is just not that big a deal to them.



10. After the election the Mayor of Baghdad told him that the people of the region (Middle East) are joyous and the governments are

nervous.



11. Said that he did not lose a single tanker truck carrying oil and gas over the roads of Iraq. Think about that. All the attacks we saw

on TV with IEDs hitting trucks but he didn't lose one. Why? Army Aviation. Praised his air units and said they made the decision

early on that every convoy would have helicopter air cover. Said aviators in that unit were hitting the 1,000 hour mark (sound

familiar?). Said a convoy was supposed to head out but stopped at the gates of a compound on the command of an E6. He asked the SSG what

the hold up was. E6 said, "Air , sir." He wondered what was wrong with the air, not realizing what the kid was talking about. Then the AH-64s showed up and the E6 said, "That air sir." And then moved out.



12. Said one of the biggest problems was money and regs. There was a $77 million gap between the supplemental budget and what he needed in cash on the ground to get projects started. Said he spent most of his

time trying to get money. Said he didn't do much as a "combat commander" because the war he was fighting was a war at the squad

and platoon level. Said that his NCOs were winning the war and it was a sight to behold.



13. Said that of all the money appropriated for Iraq, not a cent was earmarked for agriculture. Said that Iraq could feed itself

completely and still have food for export but no one thought about it. Said the Cav started working with Texas A&M on ag projects and

had special hybrid seeds sent to them through Jordan. TAM analyzed soil samples and worked out how and what to plant. Said he had an E7

from Belton, TX (just down the road from Ft. Hood) who was almost single-handedly rebuilding the ag industry in the Baghdad area.



14. Said he could hire hundreds of Iraqis daily for $7 to $10 a day to work on sewer, electric, water projects, etc. but that the

contracting rules from CONUS applied so he had to have $500,000 insurance policies in place in case the workers got hurt. Not

kidding. The CONUS peacetime regs slowed everything down, even if they could eventually get waivers for the regs.



There was more, lots more, but the idea is that you haven't heard any of this from anyone, at least I hadn't and I pay more attention than

most.



Great stuff. We should be proud. Said the Cav troops said it was ALL worth it on Jan. 30 when they saw how the Iraqis handled election

day. Made them very proud of their service and what they had accomplished.


COMMENTS

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Senator Glenn

18:15 Mar 16 2005
Times Read: 728




SENATOR JOHN GLENN SAID:



Things that make you think a little........



1. There were 39 combat related killings in Iraq during the month

of January..... In the fair city of Detroit there were 35 murders in the

month of January. That's just one American city, about as deadly as

the entire war torn country of Iraq.



2. When some claim President Bush shouldn't have started this war,

state the following ..



FDR...led us into World War II. Germany never attacked us: Japan did.

From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost, an average of 112,500 per year.



Truman...finished that war and started one in Korea, North Korea never attacked us.

From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost, an average of 18,334 per year.



John F. Kennedy. ..started the Vietnam conflict in 1962. Vietnam never attacked us.

Johnson...turned Vietnam into a quagmire.

From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost, an average of 5,800 per year.



Clinton...went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent, Bosnia never attacked us. He was offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter three times by Sudan and did nothing. Osama has attacked us on multiple occasions.



3. In the two years since terrorists attacked us President Bush has liberated two countries, crushed the Taliban, crippled al-Qaida, put nuclear inspectors in Libya, Iran and North Korea without firing a shot, and captured a terrorist who slaughtered 300,000 of his own people.



The Democrats are complaining about how long the war is taking, but...It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation.



We've been looking for evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq for less time than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.



It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Ted Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick killing a woman.



Wait, there's more.......................



Some people still don't understand why military personnel do what

they do for a living. This exchange between Senators John Glenn and

Senator Howard Metzenbaum is worth reading. Not only is it a pretty

impressive impromptu speech, but it's also a good example of one

man's explanation of why men and women in the armed services do what they

do for a living. This is a typical, though sad, example of what some who

have never served think of our military.



JOHN GLENN ON THE SENATE FLOOR Date: Mon, 26 Jan 2004 11:13



Senator Howard Metzenbaum to Senator Glenn: "How can you run for

Senate when you've never held a real job?"



Senator Glenn: "I served 23 years in the United States Marine Corps.

I served through two wars. I flew 149 missions. My plane was hit by

anti-aircraft fire on 12 different occasions. I was in the space program.



It wasn't my checkbook, Howard; it was my life on the line. It was

not a nine-to-five job, where I took time off to take the daily cash

receipts to the bank. I ask you to go with me ... as I went the other day...

to a veteran's hospital and look those men - with their mangled bodies -

in the eye, and tell THEM they didn't hold a job!



You go with me to the Space Program at NASA and go, as I have gone, to the widows and orphans of Ed White, Gus Grissom and Roger Chaffee. and you look those kids in

the eye and tell them that their Dads didn't hold a job.



You go with me on Memorial Day and you stand in Arlington National

Cemetery, where I have more friends buried than I'd like to remember, and you

watch those waving flags.



You stand there, and you think about this nation, and you tell ME

that those people didn't have a job? I'll tell you, Howard Metzenbaum; you

should be on your knees every day of your life thanking God that

there were some men - SOME MEN - who held REAL jobs. And they required a

dedication to a purpose - and a love of country and a dedication to duty that was more important than life itself. And their self-sacrifice is what made this country possible.



I HAVE held a job, Howard! What about you?"



For those who don't remember - During W.W.II, Howard Metzenbaum was

an attorney representing the Communist Party in the USA



If you can read this, thank a teacher.... If you are reading it in

English thank a Veteran. Please keep this circulating

COMMENTS

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The Human Mind

18:51 Mar 14 2005
Times Read: 732


Interesting





i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid . Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.



COMMENTS

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Engineering Conversions

01:58 Mar 01 2005
Times Read: 716


1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter?

Eskimo Pi



2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup?

Won ton



3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash?

1 microscope



4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement?

1 bananosecond



5. Weight an evangelist carries with God?

1 billigram



6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour?

Knot furlong



7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone?

1 Rod Serling



8. Half of a large intestine?

1 semicolon



9. 1,000,000 aches?

1 megahurtz



10. Basic unit of laryngitis?

1 hoarsepower



11. Shortest distance between two jokes?

A straight line



12. 453.6 graham crackers?

1 pound cake



13. 1 million-million microphones?

1 megaphone



14. 1 million bicycles?

2 megacycles



15. 365.25 days?

1 unicycle



16. 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds



17. 10 cards?

1 decacards



18. 1 kilogram of falling figs?

1 Fig Newton



19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks?

1 literhosen



20. 1 millionth of a fish?

1 microfiche



21. 1 trillion pins?

1 terrapin



22. 10 rations?

1 decoration



23. 100 rations?

1 C-ration



24. 2 monograms?

1 diagram



25. 8 nickels?

2 paradigms



26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital?

1 I.V. League





---


COMMENTS

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TOP 5

01:23 Mar 01 2005
Times Read: 711


TOP 5 SMART ASS ANSWERS FOR 2004...according to Reader's Digest:



Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a

beat....

she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."





Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."



Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.





Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his

car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and

ran out of gas."



AND NOW........FOR THE..........

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2004........................

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or

illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from

complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.



When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


COMMENTS

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